One small change you can make for an easier life

A picture is worth 1,000 words, but this one isn’t quite as I’d imagined.  I’d envisaged Belle, my daughter’s gorgeous spaniel, in my arms with the autumn leaves falling gently around us, complementing her autumnal glossy coat.  Never work with animals or children most definitely came to mind!  Belle doesn’t do blog photos.

This month, I’m going to rabbit on about Happy Ears, and if you have them, there’s a small change you can make to make life easier.

I always thought that communication was key until I had a lightbulb moment on realising that comprehension is.  If the person you communicate with doesn’t understand you, it’s silent chaos!

Communication and comprehension are two sides of the same coin. During my sales career, I learned I could prepare and polish my message to the best of my ability. Still, if the other party didn’t comprehend what I was trying to convey, I wouldn’t be as successful as I’d hoped, and I’ve got a memory bank full of unsuccessful sale pitches!

This doesn’t just apply to sales; it applies to all aspects of our lives – our relationships, our family, negotiating with our teenagers or toddlers, and even asking a favour.  We need to be clear in conveying our message.

So, acknowledging this, we must also take responsibility to understand what we are told. This brings me nicely onto the subject of “Happy Ears”. 

Happy Ears drive me up the wall. These days, people are more distracted and often don’t listen to what is being said with their full attention. I accept that, but happy ears are different from being distracted. This is when people do listen but only hear what they want to hear, for example, the nice, fluffy, happy stuff.

People naturally want to learn the truth, yet often refrain from listening properly because it makes them stressed or uncomfortable. People generally want to hear only what they like; we’re wired in a way that opposition and rejection are too difficult to handle for us. The truth sounds good in theory, especially if it’s the truth with which we agree or that positions us in a favourable light. When we hear the truth that isn’t so pleasant, we start to resist, which can cause no end of problems. This can also be the case when we talk to doctors, solicitors, our boss, or anyone we feel uncomfortable or intimidated by.

So, here’s what to practice if you think your ears are happy.

  • Try to face the person you are listening to and make eye contact. I know it’s uncomfortable, but it gets easier with practice.
  • Look for nonverbal clues, too. The tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures are all important.  I use gestures a lot, demonstrated by the amount of drinks I’ve knocked over in the pub!
  • Don’t interrupt, and don’t start thinking about what you’re going to say next
  • Try not to judge or act emotionally about what is being said, as it will get in the way of listening.  This is hard!
  • When it’s your turn, ask questions to clarify
  • Then, summarise to show you’ve understood. It sounds a bit formal, but it works, especially if you need to buy time or are nervous; it gives you control. When I go to a hospital appointment for my AS, I often take a notebook, especially if it’s to discuss recent scans, blood tests or medication. It helps me to understand and remember what’s been said when I get home.

If you can turn off your happy ears, life will be easier.  It will help you avoid conflict, the one thing I hate, as I’m sure most of you do. It will positively impact life, your health, and relationships too. I can’t guarantee it will help with teenagers and toddlers, though!

Before I go, I wonder how many of you are like me. I always arrive early for EVERYTHING! This isn’t great, especially in Winter, as I have to kill time in the cold rather than sit in my nice warm house or office and leave at an appropriate time.

I wish I was more like normal people:

“We need to be there at 10 am, and it takes half an hour to arrive; we’ll leave at 9.30 am.”

But this is not me. Where’s the extra half an hour for inevitable problems (or the extra 4 hours if it involves an airport)? Where’s the spare time for enjoying peace in the car once we’ve parked? What if there’s nowhere to park? What if we want to stop for an emergency coffee?  I can’t begin to tell you the panic I feel if we leave on time or, even worse, a minute late! 

On a positive note, I haven’t seen any mosquitoes for weeks.

Until next time xx

Surprising news you won’t believe!

Here we are, well into Autumn, and the colours are captivating, even though it was sad to say goodbye to summer.  The only thing I dislike about Autumn is that Winter comes next. Christmas cards always portray a romantic image of winter in England: snow-covered rolling hills and small robins chirping on a red post box.  Rosy-cheeked children are running around sporting woolly hats, scarves, and gloves, building a snowman with a carrot for a nose and a smile.  

But here’s the thing: unless you live in Scotland or Yorkshire, the reality is so different; it’s freezing cold, grey, mostly raining, and very dark! And while I’m on a rant, who came up with bloody dry January?

Moving on, this month, I’m chatting about a very serious subject, disinformation and the fight against fake news, especially in the age of Artificial Intelligence. I know it’s hard to believe, but false information is deliberately and often covertly spread by planting rumours to influence public opinion or obscure the truth.  It’s incredibly worrying because it poses serious risks for our society, the financial markets, and democracy.  Disinformation is even more dangerous than misinformation, and it’s important to understand the difference.

Misinformation is just getting the facts wrong.

Disinformation is incorrect information deliberately intended to mislead—intentionally misstating the facts.

You won’t be surprised to learn that disinformation is particularly targeted at significant events that greatly impact our society. For example, we saw a flurry of disinformation relating to COVID-19 during and in the wake of the pandemic, and unfortunately, now disinformation is rife about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Social media makes it easy for the superspreaders to get a voice. Even though some platforms say they are working on doing more, none have successfully removed all deliberately misleading content from their site.

Whilst the world continues to understand and try to address this issue, I think we can all play a role in stopping the spread of this dangerous trend.  Social media is built for things to go viral, so let’s not help the superspreaders achieve their objective. In my humble opinion, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Facebook are the worst, and I hope you find these takeaways useful.

  • Never like or share a post on social media without fact-checking.
  • Look for the sources and remember that mainstream news is only as good as the sources they rely on.
  • Consider the story’s agenda and the agenda of their writers or reporters
  • View articles that play with emotion with caution. Unfortunately, scammers and propagandists know the power of emotion and use that tool in their work. Therefore, fact-checking is even more important on emotive subjects.

I started this month’s blog by talking about Autumn, and I’ll finish by moaning about the end of British Summer Time. 

What exactly does Daylight Saving mean anyway? Apparently, turning the clocks forward in March and back in October aims to make better use of daylight by prolonging the amount of time we can spend outside during daylight hours.  But does it work?

It’s generally assumed that our evenings are longer during Daylight Saving as the sun sets one hour later. But that’s not entirely true.

On the day after DST starts, the Sun rises and sets later on the clock, creating the illusion of a longer evening, but DST only affects our official time set by the authorities. It doesn’t alter the Sun’s course or sunrise and sunset times.  I guess what DST does achieve is to change the time we use to schedule our daily routines, and that’s why we’ll all have our office blinds closed by mid-afternoon in December.  It’s also “National How To Change The Microwave Clock Day”.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog to raise autoimmune disease awareness. Winter is much more difficult for those of us who suffer in silence, well, in my case, not so silently.

Remember, your fake plants will die if you don’t pretend to water them 😊

Until next time xx

Why you must conquer your fear of failure!

A comfort zone can be very beautiful, but nothing ever grows there! That’s what I was told when I was packed off on a two-day sales training course many moons ago. 

My most memorable takeaway from that course (besides the bar bill) was that our comfort zone is a mental state that does not allow personal growth. It may be OK to be there for a while, but if you want to continue to grow and adjust to new situations, this is not a place to stay.   As we get older, we begin to fear failure much more than when we were young. This fear takes an emotional toll on us, and unless we change our thoughts and stop fearing it, we’ll never leave our comfort zone.

The biggest and scariest step I made outside my comfort zone was moving from a salaried job to setting up our business with my husband, Jamie.  It was 2008, and not having financial security during our first couple of years was frightening.  However, it was incredibly rewarding when we realised we were running a successful company working with some of the largest financial software companies in the world. 

Until this week, I don’t think I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone physically.  I’ve climbed various mountains (I’m talking about Scafell rather than Everest) and walked some tough terrains, but I haven’t been apprehensive about a challenge until my latest adventure – camping.

Now, those who know me will laugh as I appreciate that I don’t come across as a camping type of girl.  While I love the great outdoors, I love my home comfort, so living outside in a tent has never appealed.  This little adventure went beyond my zone, as one leg of the journey was by boat.  I don’t like boats; it’s not that I get sick, it’s just that I stay on.  Hours after the journey’s finished, I’m still swishing and swaying through the rest of the day.  In addition, I had my AS to think about, which was my biggest concern.

I was looking forward to visiting the Isles of Scilly. If you’ve never been, there are two modes of transport.  You can travel on the Scillonian ferry from Penzance in Cornwall, which is notoriously bad in rough weather or on a small plane from Newquay, Exeter, or Lands End. We chose to fly from Lands End.  My good friend Google had provided me with sufficient information about the Scillonian to rule out this mode of transport.  We were on a cricket tour, and most of our tour party had chosen the ferry. Those of us on the small (and I mean very small) plane were known as the “prawn sandwich brigade” 😊.

Once we arrived at St Mary’s (the island’s transport hub), we had to transfer to our Island, St Agnes, by boat.  St Agnes is unspoilt, astonishingly peaceful, and on the most south-westerly edge. It measures just a mile across and has a community of around 80 people.  Yes, it’s remote!

So here I am, swishing and swaying, on a remote Island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean camping. I won’t chat about the tour itself as obviously “what goes on tour stays on tour”, but after the first evening’s shenanigans, we sat outside the tent and watched the stars; it was magical.  Then we went to bed.  Now, if you’re craving a horrible night’s sleep, I recommend camping.  Getting up in the middle of the night for a wee, searching for your torch in the dark, getting your shoes on because it’s been raining and it’s wet and muddy outside and locating the toilet block is a marathon.  Trying to get back to sleep after these escapades is almost impossible.  I slept in my clothes after that to reduce the effort.

On Saturday night, the weather deteriorated. The wind and rain were howling, and as our tent was only a few metres away from the sea, I was seriously concerned we’d be swept away, never to be seen again. Jamie described it as akin to being in a washing machine on rinse for 6 hours; he wasn’t wrong.  It also rained on Sunday, and we got very wet.

But here’s the thing: I loved it, and I’m already missing my outdoor living.  I’m proud that I didn’t moan and didn’t use my AS as an excuse not to go.  I learned many new skills and was particularly proud that I can now blow dry and straighten my hair without a mirror.  I couldn’t believe my luck when I found GHDs in the shower room.  I’d had to remove mine from my bag as Jamie didn’t think they were essential.

So that’s about it for this month.  As I write my blog, some of our cricket tour are still on the wonderful island of St Agnes, and I have serious FOMO!  Fear Of Missing Out is a subject for a future blog.

Until next time, don’t forget life always begins one step outside your comfort zone.

Lots of love xx

Six takeaways for a happier life

Yay, it’s sunny again. The 40 days and 40 nights of rain have finished following the downpour on St. Swithin’s Day, and now we can enjoy an Indian summer.

This month’s blog is about happiness. Can we learn to be happy?  I think so, and here’s my thoughts. I’ll start by being a bit controversial; people I’ve met over the years with a happy demeanour often have a deep gratitude. Those I’ve met who are mostly miserable often have a sense of entitlement.  Still reading??

I know we can’t always feel happy or make ourselves happy; events in our life we have no control over determine that, especially for those who suffer with their mental health or long term illness. For the purpose of this this blog, let’s focus on the things we can control that may help us be happier.  

So, let’s begin with entitlement! Generally, “entitled” people feel sorry for themselves; they often crave adoration, are not great at compromising, and believe their needs should take priority.  On the other hand, those who have a sense of gratitude are mostly forgiving people who accept responsibility for their failures, set goals and often have a life plan, even if it’s not written down. They are happier people.

Also, contrary to what you might think, it’s not career achievement or money that makes us happy. The most consistent finding learned through 85 years of research concludes that positive relationships keep us more satisfied, healthier and help us live longer. Bearing that in mind, here are my “happiness takeaways”.

Having lots of money will never buy you happiness, BUT!

Life is about living, not about accumulating money and possessions.  However, here’s the harsh reality: to live a reasonable life, you must work hard to make enough money to pay the bills. Working hard also fills you with pride that being idle doesn’t. You need enough money to make memories with those you love and care about.

You are responsible for yourself.

There is no one to blame for your lack of happiness but yourself.  Yes, we’ve all had bad stuff happen, some people more than others, but to be happy, you must put the past behind you and take responsibility. You’re the one who dictates the course of your own life. Don’t wait for others to solve your problems; stop feeling sorry for yourself, find your goals and priorities, and go for them.

Worrying is a pointless waste of time and energy.

Worrying makes you unhappy. As you age, you’ll realise that everything you’ve worried about is no longer important. Focus on the things that matter in life.  I’m a worrier, and I wish I’d learned this lesson sooner (I’m still practicing 😊)

Just Do It!

I love the Nike strap line “just do it”. Thinking and doing are not the same.  When you value “the thinking mindset” more than “the doing mindset,” you’ll eventually end up with a list of ideas and plans, most of which will never get done.  Being a “doer” instead of a “thinker” requires discipline and commitment, but think of the sense of achievement and how happy that will make you.

Learn, Learn, Learn

Accepting everything at face value is boring and makes your life empty. Life is about discovering and learning new things. To find true meaning in life, you must look beyond the surface of things, be curious, and ask questions.

Relationships matter more than anything else.

As the research proves, relationships with others are the key to happiness. Be that our partner, children or otherwise, they provide us with true happiness and make us feel good about ourselves. That’s why it’s important always to nurture them. Don’t make life difficult for your loved ones.

To finish, I’ll return to my earlier statement about entitlement vs. gratitude – you’ll be much happier if you practice the latter. Where entitlement says, “I’m owed that,” gratitude says, “The world doesn’t owe me anything.” Where entitlement says, “I deserve this,” gratitude says, “Everything I get is a gift,” but perhaps not my autoimmune disease 😊

Once again, thank you so much for reading and sharing my blog to raise awareness of autoimmune disease.  I’m very grateful that it regularly reaches the top 3 monthly views. 

Don’t forget, gratitude is the wine of the soul; you now have a great excuse. Cheers!

Until next time xxxx

How to get lucky

I’ll start this month’s blog by talking about “luck”. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?  I don’t believe I’ve prospered or succeeded through chance or good fortune, the dictionary definition of luck. I think I’ve just worked hard, like most of you.  I always felt that luck is a random phenomenon and, therefore, not something we can control.  But there’s lots of research, a good deal by Professor Richard Wiseman, suggesting that if you search for, create, and take advantage of new opportunities, you give yourself every opportunity to become lucky.

He recognises four traits as being associated with lucky people, and I’m only going to mention 1 of them as this is the subject of my blog.  If you want to read more about these other traits, I suggest buying the book “The Luck Factor”.  

Wiseman proposes that we should always take the opportunity to talk to strangers. I’m not someone who normally strikes up conversations with strangers – in fact, I sometimes avoid conversations on purpose. But the person sitting next to you on the train might offer you your next job, so I understand his point, and the book gives many more examples.

Jamie’s much better at talking to strangers than me and always improving his knowledge, so I’ve challenged myself to do it more, and it’s been fascinating. Those of you who follow me on social media will have noticed the amount of travelling we’ve done recently.  Jamie’s cricket has taken us to counties all over the southwest of England, some of which we haven’t visited before, and it’s been a wonderful experience.  We’ve been to Gloucestershire, Worcestershire, Somerset, Devon, Oxfordshire, and, more recently, Wembley, and on each trip, I’ve taken the opportunity to talk to locals about the place they live; a recent trip to Wembley was my favourite.

Whilst I spent many years working in London and loving it, I wasn’t sad to move away to a quieter, more peaceful existence.  The contrast between London and Cornwall is stark, and I was keen to understand why people still love living in London as they get older. The constant noise of sirens, planes flying low overhead, 24/7 traffic; this noise never stops, and to be honest, I found it distracting and a tad annoying.

We were playing against Middlesex at Wembley Cricket Club, a stone’s throw away from Wembley Stadium. Many locals had come to watch, giving me the perfect opportunity to talk about their lives living in a London suburb. London is one of the most multicultural cities in the world, with over a third of its population born in a foreign country, meaning you can find restaurants serving national dishes from almost every country on the planet. Like most cities, London is synonymous with high-rise buildings, financial and cultural centres, and inner-city living, but the suburbs remain a poorly understood part of London life.

During my chats, I wanted to understand what it’s like to live in these misunderstood, often stereotyped urban areas. I was fascinated to hear stories about how the suburbs make people feel alive—walking 5 minutes down the road in their graffiti-scrawled world where secret gardens and hidden pubs can be found.  People are comforted by the constant noise that I found annoying, listening to people laugh, shout, and cry, all going about their vastly different days. 

You can be you. You can hide away and ignore everyone or go to wild clubs every night and dress in outlandish fashions, and no one will care. Cities and urban areas are so diverse that you can be just what and who you want to be. You won’t be judged for how you live or how you look. You can get anywhere without a car at any time of the day or night.  One guy talked about wonderful street food in incredible detail with so much enthusiasm. The local cafés are social hubs, and despite my perception that Londoners often feel a lack of community and are more isolated, I came away with the feeling that it was completely the opposite.

I appreciate that we’re all different. Some of you reading my blog will enjoy living in your town, village or remote countryside cottage and couldn’t ever imagine liking City life. Others won’t be able to handle missing out on the energy, vibrancy and boundless possibilities that come with living in the urban areas of a thriving city.

I’m certainly not richer in my pocket by talking to strangers (yet!), but I am richer in my knowledge of life in the London suburbs.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog; despite what we were taught as children, it’s good to talk to strangers (but only if you’re an adult 😊)

Until next time xx

Driving through France

Summer is my favourite season; I love watching the sunrise with coffee and the sunset with a beer. During this time, our skin is healthy and tanned, and the seas and rivers are warm. We enjoy cold drinks, loud music, and nights that seem to last forever. Since Jamie and I are now semi-retired, we’ve debated whether to holiday during peak summer. It’s more expensive and busier, but the weather tends to be more predictable. I particularly enjoy the clear blue, cloudless skies, warm evenings, hot daytime temperatures, the rosy glow of the rising sun in the morning, and the vivid red and orange hues at sunset.

This year, we drove to France. I love France and enjoy the journey, especially being able to take whatever we want rather than the restricted luggage allowance you pay a fortune for on EasyJet. This year, besides my shoes, we took pillows, a few pans, my favourite spices, and much more. The reason for these additional items will become clear later.

Driving in France offers a much better experience than in the UK. While I admit you must pay tolls on major roads, you reach your destination quicker than spending endless hours stuck on the UK motorway network. I should mention that France has about two and a half times more space to build its infrastructure. There’s also no litter; either the French don’t throw litter out of their cars like many Brits, or they have a better system for clearing it from the roadside, but, nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise. On the downside, you might encounter a few riots instead.

Our first stop was the Dordogne region, where we wanted to enjoy the magnificent walking before heading south to relax on a beach and put on about half a stone. This superb area is full of medieval villages, castles, impressive churches, stunning landscapes, and more caves than you’d ever want to visit. Jamie likes caves, so we visited a self-guided one, which I must admit was very enjoyable. The tourist brochures suggest that the best way to admire the Dordogne’s beauty is by hot air balloon, but, surprisingly, this didn’t appeal to me, so we had pre-planned some reasonably long walks to keep our feet on the ground.

We’d researched and booked our accommodation before we left, and it isn’t easy to describe the beauty that met us on our arrival.  The village was called Loubressac, and as we approached this quiet, remote hamlet on a hill, we were greeted by the sight of lovely stone houses with small, flowery gardens, brown terracotta roofs, and painted shutters – mostly in shades of burgundy – which were truly delightful. The houses are built in a lovely pale gold, almost white stone.  Dinner was served on the terrace of our hotel, looking out over the surrounding countryside and the Dordogne River meandering below.

II won’t go into detail about the walks themselves; suffice to say, they guided us through some of the most idyllic places we’ve ever visited. Autoire, a member of the ‘Most Beautiful Villages in France’, boasts a majestic landscape set against dramatic cliffs. The main square, where we sat to enjoy coffee, is magnificent, with a lovely fountain beautifully decorated with flowers. Around the edges of the square, the stone houses are charming. One house had the sound of cello music drifting into the peaceful street from its open windows. Nature makes us smile, and in addition to spotting a huge snake, we saw rare butterflies, stunning waterfalls, and colourful fields while listening to constant birdsong and noisy crickets.

The drive to the South-West coast was from Toulouse to avoid the carnage of the riots. The beaches of the Languedoc-Roussillon region are some of France’s best and border the Mediterranean Sea. For me, the lazy days reading on the beach, accompanied by dinner in one of the many restaurants and the lively bars with superb French DJs belting out Europop, are heaven. Ah, but why the pans, you ask? We rent an apartment because it’s cheaper than hotels and gives us more flexibility with our own space. Eating in for two or three nights during our stay is also a bonus, as I love shopping for local foods and practising our French culinary skills.

On our way home, we travel along the motorways with a single overnight stay at a travel hotel roughly halfway. The quickest route goes through Paris, which we’re used to, but alternative routes around it are available if preferred. The two-day drive is straightforward but exhausting. When you get back to the UK and discover the M26 westbound closed with a 17-mile diversion, you can only smile. After all, what’s a few extra minutes when the M25 still awaits?😊

Until next time xxxx

Why do we care what people think: A closer look!

Welcome to this month’s blog and a subject close to my heart.

Why do we spend time caring about what people think?  I always wanted to be more like the inspirational Coco Chanel, who famously said, “I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

The truth is that Humans are, by nature, social animals.  We want to belong, to be accepted, and to bond with other members of our social “pack.” But there’s certainly a point at which caring about what others think becomes unhealthy. For good health, we must be careful not to change our principles, core traits, or overall belief system to fit in.

I had a real problem when I started working in the City of London.  Through hard work and some good luck, I progressed quickly and found myself in a senior role with a good deal of responsibility.  I wasn’t degree educated, and some colleagues resented my success.  Some were more outspoken than others, but I started suffering from imposter syndrome, doubting my abilities, and feeling like a fraud. It’s relatively common, especially in women, and it disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments. Even though my progression was based on results (I was in sales), I still questioned whether I deserved my career advancement.

Over time I toughened up; I needed to survive, but I continued to worry about what other people thought of me, and I would often try and be overly nice to compensate.  So, if you’re like me, what to do about it?

Firstly, we must remind ourselves that people don’t talk about us as much as we think. They have much fewer opinions about us, both positive and negative than we imagine.

But we must accept that “some” people will have opinions of us.  There’s no use in trying to avoid all judgment – it’s simply impossible. For better or worse, assessing other people is a natural part of social interaction.  Some of us have learned to appreciate the individuality of others. We avoid gossiping and never (well, hardly ever) judge. But some do, and we must accept that we can’t change that.

In today’s world, we’re connected to hundreds of people through work, school, family, and, more worryingly, social media.  Not all their opinions matter equally. Decide whom you’ll turn to for advice and external approval. Don’t give random folk a say in your life.  Make sure you befriend people who support you, give you positive energy, and disconnect from those who don’t. Stop trying to please everyone; it’s exhausting. Learn only to please one person daily; the others must wait their turn.

Before I go, thank you for all the kind messages I have received about my AS flare-up.  There were also some useful tips I’ve taken on board and will write about in future blogs.  I’m feeling much better now, and I’ve managed to reduce the number of pills I was taking, so I’ve stopped rattling when I walk.  Yoga has been my “go-to”, and I know I harp on about it, but I can’t stress enough how good it is.

I always giggle when people sign off an email or message with “hope that helps” when providing you with what they think is useful advice.

Hope this helps 😊

Until next time xxxxx

How to resolve conflict without reading a book

It’s been a long time since I started my blog with a moan, and I don’t want to disappoint, so here we go.  I’ve had a flare-up of my AS, and it’s been a bad one.  I felt so fit when we returned from our walking holiday, but as is normal, when I’m feeling good, my body has different ideas and decides to launch its attack. The pain is significantly more intense and debilitating during a flare-up than the normal daily pain you learn to live with.  My biggest two worries are how many pills I must take to manage the pain and how much damage it’s doing to my spine. My body came with many terms and conditions I didn’t sign up for, and having an immune system that attacks itself is not the superpower I dreamed of.

Anyway, enough of my whingeing and onto my main subject this month: conflict. 

Do you like conflict, or are you like me and shy away from it? There are so many books on this subject, all of which I can never be bothered to read.  So, if that’s you too, here’s the 2-minute version to help you manage difficult situations.

When researching this blog, I started looking more closely at conflict, and it’s everywhere. Conflict with friends, family members, co-workers, and even strangers on Twitter! Conflicts arise naturally when we interact. The problem occurs when people associate conflict with anger and hurt feelings, but it doesn’t have to be this way.  My blog is about healthy ways to handle conflict. It’s a great skill to learn, and you’ll likely have many opportunities to practice it during your lifetime.

After involvement in a conflict it unsettles us, and our natural reaction is to plot our revenge. I’ve certainly spent time planning my revenge on a work colleague who stitched me up or spoke to me in a way I didn’t like.  Naturally, we get angry, but did we listen to the other person or refuse to compromise? Perhaps we shut down and walked out with the infamous door slam, avoiding confrontation altogether.

These are all natural reactions, and what I will say now is not easy to put into practice, but give it a try.  The next time you argue, think first, speak later. Silence is incredibly powerful and gives you time to plan your approach to seeking a resolution.

  • Assess the situation.
  • Think about the problem and if you’ve contributed to it. A conflict is rarely one person’s fault, even though we think it is.
  • Figure out what you want and how to say it.
  • I know it’s appealing, but don’t blame the other person. Instead, tell them what’s not working for you and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. 
  • Listen carefully to what is being said; if you don’t understand, ask clarifying questions.
  • Use your nice voice rather than the angry one 😊
  • And finally, here’s the hard bit! While fighting for your point of view might be tempting, conflict is not about winning or losing. It’s about mutual understanding or mutual respect if you can’t reach that point.  

There have been occasions in my working life when I haven’t been able to resolve a situation. In this instance, it’s also OK to say, “Let’s agree to disagree for the time being”. You can always revisit the conversation after taking time out to reflect.  And finally, if it all goes wrong, you could try and add a bit of humour and say I’ll agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong”. 

Oh, how I love irony 😊.

On that note, until next time, xxx

Spanish songs in Andalucía

The A Word: Spanish songs in Andalucía

I love the Clash, and this song was never far from my mind during our latest exploits.  But let me start at the beginning; how did we decide to do something out of our comfort zone?

The big question that goes through our mind, often subconsciously, before we make a purchasing decision is “What’s in it for me” more frequently known as WIIFM! What do I gain from giving my time to this activity? What are the advantages to me, personally? We want to be sure we’ll get something out of spending our hard-earned cash.

When I worked full-time in London, my hours were long and often stressful. Weekends were valuable, and holidays even more so. My WIIFM criteria were, first and foremost, a rest; I just wanted to lie on a beach and recuperate before returning to work revived and ready to go.

In semi-retirement, the beach holiday doesn’t appeal as much as it used to. I’m not a massive fan of lying around all day, and as I only ever sit in the shade, the WIIFM test doesn’t tick the box anymore.  Luckily Jamie is similar, so we decided to try something new outside our comfort zone, and it was truly one of the best experiences we’ve had. We went on a holiday to walk!

Everyone knows how much Jamie and I love walking, but why should walking tick everyone’s WIIFM box? Walking has so many advantages to our health. It increases heart and lung fitness and helps with joint and muscular pain; it’s mostly free and easy to do at any pace.  For those of us who suffer from chronic pain, walking releases natural pain­killing endorphins to the body, which I can certainly vouch for.  Research has also shown that walking daily can help lessen symptoms of mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression, so what’s not to like?

Today, many holiday companies focus on “slow travel”, e.g., walking or cycling, and we bought tickets to the travel show in London to do our research.  We decided to book our trip with a company called Inntravel, and we couldn’t have chosen better; they were amazing. As we’re relatively experienced hikers, we selected grade 2 and 3 walks, but many grade 1 options exist for those who want a gentler experience.  We also wanted self-guided (i.e. we didn’t want to walk in a group), as we like our independence.

We chose the mountain ranges in Andalucia mainly because we wanted to travel in March, and many mountain destinations are still covered in snow.

We flew to Malaga and transferred to Zahara de la Sierra, a glorious white village nestled in the mountains, which has one of the most stunning settings I’ve ever seen. There’s a castle perched on the hilltop standing proudly over the whitewashed village below, and this was our first climb before stopping at one of the local bars for a well-deserved beer.  Living in one of the most beautiful counties in the UK, we’re lucky to see spectacular scenery most days. However, we were in awe at the magnificence of the steep little cobbled streets, constantly stopping to take in the breathtaking views over the valley and lake below.

Our accommodation over the seven days comprised small B&Bs and guest houses with only a few rooms.  The view from the balcony of our first abode was amazing, and the following morning we opened the balcony doors to the sound of the most wonderful birdsong I’ve ever heard.  This theme continued; all our accommodation was stunning, with incredible views and a real ambience that made you feel happy and relaxed.  The small village of Grazalema was also a highlight; located in a high valley over 800m, it’s dominated by the magnificent rocky outcrop, Peñon Grande. The narrow streets are immaculately kept and lined by whitewashed houses with windows covered by wrought-iron rejas and plant pots spilling with colourful flowers.  Andreas, who owns the guest house, was such a wonderful host; cold beers were waiting for us on the veranda, looking down on the aqua water of the pool and the surrounding landscape. After a hard day walking, this welcome was very much appreciated.  The camaraderie with your fellow walkers is also fun and gets better and better as the week progresses as you see the same people arrive at the new location as you’d chatted to the night before over dinner.  Stories of our day unfolded as we talked over more beers.  Mostly we compared notes on where we got lost!

I won’t go into details about each daily walk except to say we were provided with GPS, a large map, and detailed notes for each trek. We only needed our day sacks as our luggage was transferred by car and waiting for us in our new room when we arrived tired, needing a shower, and hungry after a hard day’s hike. Some days were harder than others, and the villages and scenery we encountered on our journey were too beautiful to describe with my basic writing skills 😊.  I did find myself winging on a couple of occasions, but I know Jamie would miss it if I didn’t have a moan now and again.  I got a blister on day five and found one of the hikes from Grazalema to Benaojan particularly hard.  The terrain was difficult; it was incredibly hot, and even with GPS and Jamie’s superb navigation skills, finding our route across the mountain tops was particularly challenging.  We saw a lot of Spain that you don’t see on the coast. Country folk using donkeys to carry drinking water up to their hillside homes; some of the hardships people go through in their daily life stopped me from moaning too much.

We saw turtles, griffon vultures, eagles, deer, and mountain goats with bells around their necks.  The cows were too hot to follow us, unlike the cows in Cornwall, who always take a liking to us when crossing their fields.  The wildflowers were stunning, and the sun shone brightly on us daily.  We had a hearty breakfast daily, a picnic (provided by the guest house) for lunch and superb home-cooked evening meals, which we enjoyed immensely after our daily exertion. We were in bed by 10 pm and up bright and early the next morning to start again.

Our walking days felt incredibly therapeutic. We met a guy who’d been walking for five years. He’d started in Germany and was heading to Portugal with all his possessions on his back.  There was something I found appealing about his daily life.

Our last destination, Ronda, is one of Andalucia’s loveliest towns, steeped in history. There was so much to see beyond the view from the bridge over the plunging gorge which divides the town. We treated ourselves to a Spanish guitar concert which didn’t disappoint, and dinner at the most romantic restaurant with breathtaking sunset views over El Tajo Gorge and the valley below.  We also added an extra day to our trip, took the bus to Seville the following morning, and spent 24 hours sightseeing, made special by the semana santa festival.  I didn’t know about this festival and it was only by coincidence that our visit coincided with the magnificence of one of the biggest religious events in Andalucia.  If you google it, you’ll be treated to some fab photos.

We loved this holiday, and wanted it to go on longer. I’ve missed our days walking since we returned, but I’ve taken solace in reading the brochure and planning our next adventure.

Watch this space; we’ve just bought a tent 😊. 

Until next time, keep walking.

The greatest weapon against stress

This month’s blog is somewhat more serious than my usual style. It’s also very late! My creative writing skills have been missing, but here’s hoping they’ve returned, or this may be a dull read.

During a recent TV interview, Prince Harry said he’d lived most of his childhood in flight-or-fight mode.  I found these comments interesting as I researched this physiological response to fear as I’d experienced it recently.  I’m not going into detail other than to say that my Dad recently died after an accident, and the last six weeks have been a bit of a blur.

Jamie and I were overseas when I first learned of Dad’s accident.  My body immediately went into fight or flight mode.  I didn’t realise it then, but this fight or flight response is an automatic physiological reaction to an event we perceive as stressful or frightening. 

There are three stages of fight-or-flight: Alarm, Resistance and Exhaustion, and it’s thought to be a healthy response by the body to help deal with a crisis.  It didn’t feel “healthy” to me at the time. The alarm is the initial response, an adrenal surge, to deal with the trauma. Resistance comes next when the significant ongoing stress causes the body to remain constantly primed for action. This stage can last for long periods.  This then leads to the final stage – exhaustion or burnout, which I think is where I am now.  It has also exacerbated my autoimmune disease.

The term “fight-or-flight” represents our ancient ancestors’ choices when faced with danger: to fight or flee. Either way, the stress response prepares the body to react to the threat and is mostly considered good.  However, because the fight-or-flight response happens automatically, it can be inaccurate. Sometimes, we respond this way even when there is no real threat. This is because both real and imaginary threats can trigger the fight-or-flight response.  Phobias are good examples of how the fight-or-flight response might be falsely triggered, meaning people can live in this mode for much of their daily lives. 

Constantly being in a state of fight-or-flight is incredibly harmful to our overall well-being. Imagine feeling stressed all the time, and the sad fact is that many people do. Fortunately, there’s much research aimed at helping people find ways to combat stress and live healthier, more productive lives. By learning more about the fight-or-flight response, health professionals have developed new ways to help people deal with their natural reactions to stress, positively affecting those who constantly suffer from stress and anxiety in their daily lives.

On a brighter note, we’re off on a walking holiday in a few weeks.  We’ve booked a self-guided trip in the mountain ranges of Andalusia with luggage transfer, so we’ll only have our day sacks to carry.  It’s a first for us, so I’ll write a travel blog on our return with our adventure’s ups and downs.  Jamie’s keen on Everest base camp next.  I’m eager to see how we get on in Andalusia first 😃

Before I leave, I thought I’d share a tactic I’ve recently learned which has helped my mind enormously.

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.  It takes much practice, but you’ll get there in the end.”

Until next time..xx