I’ve written about Emotional Intelligence (EQ) before, a subject that has fascinated me throughout my career. My first blog in this series explored anger and the idea that what we call anger isn’t always the whole story. Are You Really Angry?
This time, I want to explore anxiety—a word we use so casually, even though the feeling has quietly and repeatedly found its way into my life.
“I’m anxious about attending a meeting.”
“I’m anxious because they haven’t replied to my message.”
“I’m anxious about what might happen.”
More and more anxious moments start creeping in. Sometimes I wake up anxious for no apparent reason; perhaps you know the feeling. But here’s the twist: are we always anxious? Or are we sometimes nervous, uncertain, excited, worried, or just uncomfortable because life hasn’t sent us the next-page preview?
The distinction might seem small, but as with anger, understanding what we’re actually feeling can change how we deal with it.
Are You Really Anxious?
Presentations were a big part of my job, and they always made me feel ill, starting at least 24 hours beforehand. I often wondered why I put myself through it. Was I anxious about the presentation itself? Not really. I was nervous about being judged.
That’s the kind of difference I mean. Were you worried about the phone call, or afraid of what the news might mean? Were you anxious about making a decision, or uncomfortable with the possibility of making the wrong one?
These feelings can overlap, but they aren’t necessarily the same, and each calls for something different. The point isn’t to find a more positive label for every uncomfortable feeling. It’s to understand what is happening rather than automatically putting everything into the same category.
What Is Emotional Granularity?
It sounds like a complicated psychological term, but the idea is straightforward. Emotional granularity means getting better at identifying and naming exactly what we’re feeling.
Instead of simply saying, “I’m anxious”, we become curious about what that anxiety might involve.
Am I nervous because I’m doing something unfamiliar? Am I uncertain because I don’t have enough information? Am I afraid of failing, being judged or disappointing someone? Or am I trying to control an outcome that isn’t entirely within my control?
We don’t need to analyse every feeling or find the perfect word. Sometimes, simply asking the question helps us see the situation more clearly. We can’t always change what we’re facing, but we may be able to change how we approach it.
Putting It Into Practice
Different feelings point us towards different responses. For me, that now looks like this:
- If I’m nervous about trying something new, I remind myself that being inexperienced doesn’t mean I’m incapable.
- If I’m worried about a genuine problem, I try to address it head-on rather than turning it over in my mind.
- If I’m uncertain, I gather more information or accept that I won’t have all the answers.
- If I’m afraid of being judged, I ask myself how much that judgment really matters.
Of course, knowing what we’re feeling doesn’t make the feeling disappear. I wish it did. But it can move us away from feeling like everything is wrong and toward a clearer understanding of what is bothering us.
Here are a few ways to get better at it.
Ask what exactly you’re worried about
Is it something specific, or a general feeling of unease? You don’t need to force an answer. Curiosity alone can be a useful starting point.
Separate what you know from what you imagine
Our minds are remarkably good at filling in the gaps, and if I were scored on it, I’d give myself a perfect 10/10
Someone hasn’t replied to your message, and you start wondering whether you’ve upset them. You haven’t heard back after an interview, and you assume you didn’t get the job. But what do you actually know? Perhaps they’re busy. Perhaps they haven’t decided yet. It won’t always remove the worry, but it can stop an imagined outcome from becoming a certainty in your mind.
Notice what you can influence
We can’t guarantee how someone will respond or exactly how an unfamiliar situation will unfold. But we can prepare, ask questions or make a plan. Sometimes the most useful question is: is there something I can do about this now? If there is, take a small step. If there isn’t, repeated worrying won’t give you any more control over the outcome.
And, most importantly for me, I try to remember that uncertainty is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t automatically mean something bad will happen.
Allow yourself to feel more than one thing
You can be excited about a new opportunity and nervous about whether you’ll succeed. You can be happy about a change and sad about what you’re leaving behind. You don’t have to decide that one feeling cancels out the other.
Don’t Overthink It
As with anger, there’s a danger of taking emotional granularity too far. We don’t need to turn every uncomfortable feeling into a psychological investigation. Sometimes we’re nervous because something matters to us. Sometimes we don’t know how we feel, and that’s perfectly normal too. And sometimes we simply need to get on with the day.
If anxiety is persistent, overwhelming or interfering with everyday life, finding the right support matters. Understanding our emotions can be helpful, but we don’t have to manage everything on our own.
What I’m Learning
For me, the value of Emotional Intelligence, especially emotional granularity, isn’t about identifying every emotion perfectly. It’s about creating a little space between what I feel and what I do next.
So, the next time you catch yourself saying, “I’m anxious”, try pausing for a moment and asking:
“What am I really feeling, and what do I need right now?”
You may find you need a plan, a little preparation, some reassurance—or simply time to make peace with the unknown. And sometimes, the truth is simpler: you really are anxious. That’s worth recognising too.
As Mark Twain said… “I’m an old man and have known many great troubles, but most of them never happened”
Until next time xxxxxx