Hello and welcome to my blog. I’ve always been good at filling the silence. In fact, as it happens, when I’m nervous, I can be remarkably good at it.
Put me in a room with people I don’t know, and I can suddenly find myself talking before my brain has caught up. I’ve often thought that if I keep the conversation going, there can’t be any awkward silences. But over the years, I’ve discovered something rather surprising.
Silence isn’t awkward. Sometimes, it’s powerful.
I first learned this in the workplace, particularly when negotiating contracts. During various training courses, I realised that when I stopped talking, the other side often became uncomfortable and rushed to fill the silence. And what happened next was fascinating.
They often revealed something they hadn’t intended to share, explained their position in more detail, or even offered a concession.
I began to realise that silence wasn’t an absence of communication. It was communication. And whilst I don’t always get it right, that lesson has stayed with me.
We live in a world that seems to reward noise. Have an opinion? Post it. Feel offended? Tell everyone. Win an argument? Make sure people know about it. Social media has made it incredibly easy to react instantly, often before we know the whole story.
But the older I get, the more I appreciate the value of pausing.
I’m certainly not suggesting I’ve mastered it. Far from it. I still say things I wish I hadn’t, react when I should have waited, and occasionally realise five minutes too late that silence would have been the better option.
But I’m learning. And I’ve come to believe that there are times when saying nothing can be one of the strongest things we can do.
So, here are 10 moments when I’ve learned silence might serve you better than words.
1. When you don’t know the full story
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard something, formed an opinion, and then discovered there was another side to the story. Half the facts can create a whole misunderstanding.
This is particularly relevant in the age of social media. We see a headline, a post, or a video and, within seconds, people comment, judge, and share it as fact. I try to remind myself that I don’t actually know what happened just because I’ve seen something online. These days, I do my own research and, in conversations, I try to listen before forming an opinion.
Sometimes the wisest thing you can say is nothing at all, until you know what you’re talking about.
2. When emotions are driving the car
Now this one is particularly challenging for me.
I feel emotions deeply. I do see it as a strength because it means I connect strongly with people and the world around me. But there is a downside.
When I’m angry, hurt or panicking, I can say things in the heat of the moment that feel completely justified. And then, an hour later, I wish I could rewind the conversation.
The problem is, of course, that we can’t.
Words have a way of lingering once they’ve been spoken. No matter how much we wish we could take them back, they often leave an echo behind. I’m learning that when my emotions are steering the car, it’s probably time to pull over 😂
Sometimes I manage it. Sometimes I don’t. But I’m definitely getting better at recognising the warning signs.
A few seconds of restraint can save you an awful lot of apologising later.
3. When your only goal is to hurt someone
Mostly, I believe honesty matters. But I’ve also learned that there is a huge difference between telling the truth and using the truth as a weapon.
We’ve all had moments when someone has annoyed us, and we know exactly which words will hurt them most. And, if we’re honest, sometimes we are tempted to use them.
But if the real purpose of what you’re about to say is to wound someone rather than help, clarify or resolve something, perhaps it isn’t honesty at all. It’s cruelty wearing honesty’s clothes. Social media is a classic example.
Choosing not to say it can be the bigger achievement.
4. When gossip starts making the rounds
I’m not sure why gossip is so irresistible. Perhaps it makes us feel that we’re in the know. Perhaps it gives us a momentary sense of importance. But I’ve never understood why someone else’s private life should become entertainment for everyone else.
You don’t have to join in. You can listen without contributing. You can change the subject.
Choosing not to add your voice to a conversation that is tearing someone else down says a great deal about you.
5. When you can’t say it calmly
There have been plenty of times in my life when I’ve been absolutely convinced that I needed to make my point right now. Looking back, the point could have waited. I was especially guilty in meetings if someone was challenging me
I would never shout, but I still needed to get my point across. I’ve since learned that difficult conversations usually go much better when I’ve had time to calm down and think about what I actually want to achieve.
Wait until you can speak without the emotion doing the talking.
6. When life is going well
This one is perhaps less obvious. We live in a world where success often comes with an announcement.
New job? Post it.
Holiday? Post it.
Achievement? Definitely post it.
And there’s nothing wrong with celebrating success. I do it too. I use social media to promote my blogs. I also post my photos. I love to see my friends’ success stories and look at photos I otherwise wouldn’t see from my friends and family
But I’ve also discovered that not every good thing needs an audience. Sometimes there is something wonderfully peaceful about enjoying an achievement quietly.
Letting your results speak for themselves.
Being proud without needing everyone else to know.
There’s a quiet confidence in that.
7. When speaking would cost you your peace
This is something I’ve become much better at as I’ve got older. Not every misunderstanding needs correcting, and not every argument needs winning. And, most importantly, not every person deserves access to your energy.
There are times when explaining yourself will lead to another explanation, followed by another argument, followed by yet another attempt to prove that you are right. And suddenly, an hour of your life has disappeared.
Sometimes you have to ask yourself:
Is this actually worth my peace?
Mostly the answer is no, and you are allowed to walk away.
8. When someone is speaking from pain
I think this might be the hardest one. When someone I care about is hurting, my instinct is often to fix it. I want to give advice. I want to reassure them that everything will be OK.
But sometimes that isn’t what they need.
Sometimes they don’t want a solution. They want someone to listen, someone to sit beside them and acknowledge that what they’re feeling matters. I’ve learned that you don’t always need the right words.
You don’t have to fix everything.
9. When your ego wants the final word
Uh-oh! This is another one I’m working on! There is something incredibly satisfying about getting the last word in.
You think of the perfect response five minutes after the argument. Then you replay the conversation in your head and imagine how brilliant you would have sounded.
But what are you actually trying to win? Because winning an argument and winning a relationship are two very different things.
Sometimes having the last word feels good for about thirty seconds. Then you’re left with the consequences.
I’m learning that sometimes the strongest response is:
“OK.”
And walking away.
10. When nothing kind, true or helpful can be said
Perhaps this is the simplest rule of all. Before speaking, ask yourself:
Will what I’m about to say make this moment better? If the answer is no, perhaps silence is the better choice.
And that brings me back to where I started.
I’m someone who talks too much when I’m nervous. I’m not naturally a person who finds silence easy. But I’ve come to understand that silence isn’t about having nothing to say.
Quite the opposite.
Sometimes it means you have plenty to say, but you’ve decided that saying it isn’t the right thing to do.
So, the next time you feel that familiar urge to respond immediately, perhaps stop for a moment. Ask yourself which of these ten situations you’re in.
Because the silence you choose today might be the wisdom someone remembers tomorrow.
Until next time xxxxxxx